The Bridesmaid Brush-off

The Wedding Guru Judy Lewis fields this week’s wedding questions. Today: What to do when you’re (kind of… not really) invited to join the wedding party

Sometimes brides behave badly, considering only themselves and not their guests. This often puts a friend or family member in a very awkward position.

A Valley wedding guest asks: “A close family friend is getting married and mentioned to her mom and I that I would be in her wedding party. I was excited by the thought of participating! However… the wedding’s in June and the bride-to-be still hasn’t contacted me about any of the details, such as what dress she’ll want me to wear. I asked her mom (MOB) several times about the dresses and whether I’m still in the wedding, but her reply is that she’s staying out of it. Do I assume that she forgot about me? Or that she’s dropped me from the wedding party? Should I contact the bride and find out what’s up? I want to do the right thing and I would hate to lose the friendship, so please tell me what you think I should do.”

(See next page for answer)

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Dear Valley wedding guest: Ouch. My guess is that either the bride is having a meltdown, or she changed her mind and is embarrassed to tell you. It’s up to her to communicate with her attendants about their dresses. If she wants you as a bridesmaid — and with the wedding in June — she’s cutting it awfully close if the gowns need to be ordered. Maybe she’s going to pick a color and allow her attendants to buy whatever dress they wish in that color? If so, you’re okay waiting a while. If the bride is someone you speak to regularly, casually ask her how things are going and if she’s made a definite decision about her attendants. If she doesn’t get the hint and tell you about her plans to include you as one of those attendants, then you’ll know that you’re out. You can also call her to ask if there’s anything you can help with planning the wedding — and not mention attendants at all. That too will be an opportunity for her to say something. But again, if she doesn’t, then the message is clear. If you’re not at all comfortable making a call, then I suggest that you sit tight.

Then there’s the more direct route. Sit down and write a letter to the bride-to-be. Tell her that you understand how much stress she must be under, and you truly understand that she seems to have changed her mind about having you in her wedding party. End the letter by saying that your friendship is still solid and that you’re available to help her in any way that you can.

What a shame to be put in such an uncomfortable position! But, from the remarks of the MOB, maybe you should consider yourself lucky if you’re not a part of the wedding party! If you can, let me know what you decide to do and how it turns out.

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