At least 20 times a day I’m totally flabbergasted by the strange and contrary behavior exhibited by my toddler. Toddlers (not just mine) seem to live in a world governed by elaborate rules of contradiction, rules based on a logic so incomprehensible to us grown-ups that all we can do is throw up our hands and resign ourselves to the role of bemused observer. Below is a choice list of my own child’s most baffling behavior. Feel free to add to the list!
The same exact food that tastes good at Grandma’s is inedible at home.
Socks cannot match, ever. However, put the purple pillowcase on the bed with the pink sheets and you are the silliest mother in the world.
Public restroom hand dryers, lawnmowers, and blenders are intolerably loud, but blowing a whistle in the car is lovely.
Shorts and a T-shirt are entirely appropriate attire during a blizzard, as are a sweater, hat, and fleece-lined jeans when it’s 96 degrees out.
The Hello Kitty toothbrush must always return to the far-right spot in the holder; however jackets are never to be returned directly to the child-sized coat hook by the door. Instead they should be flung onto the stove, the floor, or sometimes stored under the kitchen table.
If You Take a Mouse to School is the best book ever. So good that it must be read every single night. For a full year.
At home alone with Mom, all I want to do is play with my friends. But at a playdate or the park, all I want to do is play with Mom.
My friends’ snacks are always better, and worthy of a tantrum.
A four-minute drive to the playground is entirely too long. But 30 minutes to get dressed, another 16 to put on my shoes, and eight to walk from the house to the car is perfectly reasonable.
Must. Drink. Bathwater.